Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
