She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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