You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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