So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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