I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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