my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
