it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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