his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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