Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
