I am in a vortex of obligation.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
