did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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