so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
