last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
