Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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