new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
