And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
