You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
