Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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