While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
