By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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