Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
