One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
