I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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