He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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