apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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