i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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