in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
