Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
