I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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