you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize