i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
