fuck your aforementioned shoe
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
