I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
