i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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