the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
