Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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