I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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