why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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