Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
