And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
