I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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