Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
