i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
