If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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