she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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