First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
