hotel room ftw
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
