I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
