Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
