I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
