i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
