please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
