I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
