Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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