I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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