Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
